Self-Image Epiphany….

So, first let me apologize for not updating in over a month. Guess I have a lot of updating to do. Let’s start at the last update. I was having issues with my stomach and was experiencing nausea on a nightly basis and heartburn was more frequent. I was in and out of the doctor’s office and trying to figure out what was causing this. He put me on a pill for IBS. Even I knew it wasn’t going to work. There were no food triggers to my nausea. The Pepcid he gave me worked for the heartburn. We spent July 10th to July 17th in Oklahoma visiting my family. Well, during that week, I also had that monthly visitor (sorry for the tmi). I didn’t have any nausea. I picked up on that right away and wondered if maybe my birth control pill was making me sick. Well, I decided to stop taking the pill and see if that really was the cause. I haven’t had nausea since. I truly believe that it was the birth control pill. My body always has weird reactions to stuff. I’ve been on the pill (and this certain one) since I was 16 to control endometriosis (which my doctor now says I do not have….interesting). Well, last year I tried the patch. Oh that messed me up big time. I was on it for 6 months and I was crazy! I gained 20+ pounds (which I’m still trying to lose!), was moody, and would get so angry I wanted to be physically violent. It was not me at all!! So, I left the patch (much to both my and my husband’s relief…lol) and went back to the pill – same brand I was on before. I was fine for a couple of months… then the nausea started. I didn’t think anything about it until it started getting worse recently. I wonder if it’s cause I’m taking the generic version? I wouldn’t think so because I’ve taken the generic before and been fine. It’s probably just because with age your body changes and begins to react differently to things. Doc says to eat before I take the pill, which now means I have to change the time I take the pill. We will see. I’ve already discussed this with my husband and if eating doesn’t help, I’m not taking anything, period. We will seek other alternatives because we aren’t ready to have kids just yet.

So, with that in mind, I’ve felt a lot better and I’ve gotten back into running. I was surprised as ever that I actually missed running (as much as I complained about it, really??) and felt “blah” because I wasn’t running. I’ve started running again and I feel better! Last week I weighed in at 137. This week – 135. I haven’t lost inches though, but I’m watching what I eat more closely. My husband is also on a diet/exercise regimen, which makes it so much easier to keep healthy food in the house and stay on track because we are keeping each other accountable.

So, today I was watching Oprah and she was talking about this book: “Women, Food, and God” by Geneen Roth. To preface this, she showed clips of women discussing their weight. Many women said they hated themselves, but that they had no willpower, which made them hate themselves even more. Oprah asked her audience how many of them felt that way and I felt like shouting “ME!!!” so that she could hear me through my TV, but I refrained…lol. I immediately logged onto my favorite website. You know, that Amazon one? I ordered the book before the show even finished. Everyone was talking about epiphanies they had during the book and “spotlight” or “light bulb” moments. I also think that I may be a bit of a food addict. Seriously, that’s what emotional eating is – you feel an emotion (for me, it’s any emotion really…stress, sadness, boredom) and you eat. That’s what “calms” you, but you’re not really hitting at the feeling and resolving your feelings, you’re compounding them and make them worse and make your self-image worse as you pack on the pounds. However, as an emotional eater, it is very, very, VERY difficult to stop. Now, I can recognize that my problem is not as big (pardon the pun) as other’s, but it’s a problem that I battle. A million people can tell me how small I am and I can see that I’m not “that” big, but I feel huge and I don’t feel happy or confident. It’s been a lifelong struggle for me. I LOVE food.

Well, I was thinking about the book and what the women said as I ran today. My goal today was to run for 12 minutes straight (more on that later). About 8 minutes in, one of my favorite songs came on. If you’ve ever seen the movie Footloose, you know the song – it’s Kenny Loggin’s “I’m Free (Heaven Help the Man)”. Well, this song reminds me of a high school friend who, when I had a crush on him, I wanted him to date me so badly that I listened to this song all the time because it says “You’re what I want/Listen to me/Nothing I want/Is outta my reach”….funny, right, but we’ve all been hung up on a song because of a guy or girl. Before I continue, I will enlighten you with the full lyrics of the song:

(Songwriters: Loggins, Kenny;Pitchford, Dean)

“Looking into your eyes I know I’m right
If there’s anything worth my love it’s worth a fight
We only get one chance
But nothing ties our hands
You’re what I want
Listen to me
Nothing I want
Is out of my reach

Chorus
(I’M FREE)
HEAVEN HELPS THE MAN who fights his fear
Love’s the only thing that keeps me here
(I’M FREE)You’re the reason that I’m hanging on
My heart’s staying where my heart belongs
(I’M FREE)

Running away will never make you free
And nothing we sign is any kind of guarantee
But I wanna hold you now
And I won’t hold you down

I’m shaking the past
Making my breaks
Taking control
If that’s what it takes

Chorus
(I’M FREE)
HEAVEN HELPS THE MAN who fights his fear
Love’s the only thing that keeps me here
(I’M FREE)You’re the reason that I’m hanging on
My heart’s staying where my heart belongs
(I’M FREE)

I wanna hold you now
I wont hold u down
You’re what I want
Listen to me
Nothing I want
Is out of my reach

Chorus (x3)
(I’M FREE)
HEAVEN HELPS THE MAN who fights his fear
Love’s the only thing that keeps me here
You’re the reason that I’m hanging on
My heart’s staying where my heart belongs
(I’M FREE)”

Well, I get to the line “If there’s anything worth my love, it’s worth a fight” and that line stuck in my head. I realized that I have to love me! Loving myself is worth fighting for!! I will fight Negative Nancy and the critical thoughts and feelings I have until I love myself 100% because I am worth it!! I won’t give up! When that hit me, I teared up, but quickly tried to control my emotions lest I stumble and fall (literally). By this time, the song was done and my 12 minutes was almost up. I replayed the song and I amped up my speed. I felt GREAT!! I’m going to do this. I’m going to get in shape no matter what the fight is. I realize that I should love myself no matter what and that’s one of those things I will have to fight and work on, but I also know that it will be easier to get there if I’m working towards a healthy goal. I’m fighting for the love of myself. I shouldn’t have to, but the sad truth is, I do. When I replayed the song, it all fell into place. I ran a whole mile without stopping and I felt AWESOME!!! I haven’t ran a whole mile since I was in elementary school and even then I stopped and walked (and I was forced to do that…I didn’t chose to). I am worth it; I am beautiful; I am amazing; I am a list of incredible things. Deep down I know this, but critical thoughts and negative images have plagued me. It’s time to fight those and seriously fight those. No more “I’ll try”. No. I’m doing it. I’m fighting them and I’m beating them once and for all!!

During my run, I also realized that the mile didn’t kick my butt, I totally kicked its butt!!!!

Advertisement